.i never knew something could hurt this much. i just figured out why certain events in my life have hurt me so much, or affected me so much. i have a complex. ive never felt important to anyone. ever. nothing ive done in my entire life has mattered to anyone else. so. when i become important to someone, or at least when i think i have, its kind of a big deal to me. however, when this person decides to leave me be, to just stop talking to me, without a rhyme or reason, its really upsetting to me. really upsetting. and i just realized this tonight.

.interpret this please. also, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. if its necessary to know, ask. if i think you should know, ill tell you.

me and billy were downstairs in our classroom. and we were getting ready to leave, but we werent leaving for good. we were just going somewhere. there was no one else in the room at this particular moment. i was walking out in front of him. he grabbed my hand. and i was like wha? then he kissed me. [haha. oh my.] and then while this was happening bertha [this girl in our class] walks in, immediately followed by jay and bob. in bob's hands are my favorite flowers. [note: me and billy were right next to the door. ] so of course the gasp and pull away situation happens [naturally, when someone startles you. haha.] i look at billy who is looking left so i look left. and theres bertha whos mouth is dropped. and jay. and bob. with flowers still in hand. so im like heh. [more of a breath//sigh laugh] of course. of freakin course this would happen to me. theyre [billy, bertha, jay, and bob] are all like what the heck is going on. so i grab my bag and walk out. i dont say anything i just go. i walk out the back door and out through the garden and out the back gate. i know the boys are all following me but i dont say anything. i just keep walking. and im a good like 10 feet ahead of them. i walk across the street. [at this point the camera angle changes and i see everything from their point of view.] and it looks like i get hit by a car. but i just happen to dodge this car in perfect time so it looked like i got hit. theyre all gasping and like oh holy crap. and take off running to get to me. then they see as the car is past me now that i am still walking to my car. they still run to me. [the camera switches back to my point of view.] and i make it to my car. im unlocking it and i throw my bag in. bob is to my left. jay is just about in front of me and billy is next to jay on the right. almost at my headlight. i look jay square in the eye and say 'where's steven? he should be here.' [refering to the ridiculousness of this situation.] bob and billy look slightly confused. and so does jay. but jay is the only person who knows who steven is. and not even 10 seconds after i say that. more like not even 2 seconds after i say that i get a text. its steven. 'marry. i miss you.<3.' i look at my phone. look at jay. and im like HA! of course! of freakin course! they all say WHAT?! i wave my phone and say. … its steven! and get in my car. shut and lock the doors. and they are all trying to get into my car. my hands are instantly on my face and i start to cry. and then theyre all like whoa wtf. we gotta get to her// help her. i dont like that shes crying blah blah blah etc etc. and now at this point im like bawling. cuz of course. of freakin course jay and bob would fly out from new zealand with my favorite flowers to hand deliver them to me, when billy is kissing me. [haha] so they are all still trying to get into my car and theyre yelling at me to open the door. and im bawling and i yell back NO! so i call and tell katalina everything thats happening as im bawling. i dont even know what we talked about but i remember her being like ugh! boys suck! why are they doing this!? i dont get it! so then something happened i dont remember. but we werent on the phone anymore. and jay is still trying to get into my car, like hes tapping on my window trying to talk to me.and im drying my eyes and im like i have to go. i have to get out of here. instantly bob was behind my car. jay was still at my window and billy was infront of my car. so they were blocking me in. so i couldnt get out and i was like ugh! fine! i guess im not going anywhere! and i turned mycar off and they were still trying to talk to me. and thats when i woke up.

please. help.

.i had an amazing conversation with a truly wonderful person two nights ago. we talked all about love and friendship. and where the thin line between them lies. we talked about cultural differences and why/how/when we put up the walls and fronts that we do.

i realized she and i are alot a like in many areas concerning the heart. i realized that night we both have issues with relationships. and sometimes we tend to sabotage them ourselves. we believe in the lies propagated by our minds, hearts and even friends. yet, we cannot own up to our own true feelings or bring ourselves to find out what is going on with the other party involved. we, well i, build it up, and then run away from it because i fear it not being true, or not living up to my expectations.

i have alot of walls and barriers. this may also explain why it bothers me when people make generalizations about me that i know are not true, and if you would ask any of my truly close friends, which arent many, then you’d know that you werent correct. or if you simply believed what i said to you. i dont like being told what i am or how i act or how i feel. i also dont like being told what gets to me emotionally or physically. you do not know this. you also dont know my past and what made certain things spark things. i also could fix this if i let people know me, and if i didnt put up so many walls and barriers. this rant was completely tangential and unnecessary.

the point of this conversation two nights ago was because both of our hearts were heavy. both reasons similar. but very different at the same time. im not sure if i am at liberty to discuss these reasons here.

i am going to discuss something however. i dont know if it is appropriate or not. i have noticed a trend in my life. i also just made the conscious decision to be obscenely vague. ive noticed a trend in how my relationships end. regardless of whether they are simply friendships or something more.

i wonder if its me. thus far most of the terminations have been the same. i wonder if its something i’ve done. although, that doesnt make any sense to me. one would be quick to blame the other person. however, they have all been different. yet, now upon further investigation, there are some key similar traits.

so much has changed in the past few months. its ridiculous. there are so many little things that i do now that i havent/wouldnt have done then. choice of music, things i wear, just little things. all the major, huge things havent changed. and more than likely, will never change. i would consider myself to be pretty set in my standards for certain things. they will never change.

this has been on huge rant. completely unorganized and vaguely pure. what are your thoughts?